Woah...I can't believe its been close to half a year, and no entry. Okay, I can believe that, since I've been incredibly lazy and unproductive on the blog front. However, I've been browbeaten enough by those who want to read my blog, so I promise to start updating again. But, in a lot of ways, not much has changed in the past six months in the world. Sure, a city sank, the Supreme Court began its unfortunate tilt to the right, the war in Iraq is going so swimingly, we might be able to pullout troops because the 'mission is accomplished,'*and the world moved a bit closer to polar meltdown.** But, I mean, the sinking ship we call a country sucked before I stopped updating too, so, I feel justified in saying nothing has changed.
Well, something did change. The Democrats didn't lose elections this time. Maybe that means in 2006, something resembling sanity will govern the actions of our Congress, and things won't suck anymore. Here's hoping.
On the personal front, I have lost my voice. Sadly the day after Christmas, I chose to develop a hacking cough that can only mean my lungs are liquidating. Never fear, I'm sure my voice will be back soon.
I leave you with some words of sympathy from Dr. Charisma-
'Wow, you sound like you're dying. Please don't come into work today, you'll get me sick. Oh, I have a dishwasher coming today, so I can't come in anyway.'
*-Rather than 'cutting and running' like those pesky Democrats, who obviously hate America, would like to do.
**-Wohoo! Swimming in January! I'm already starting construction on my oceanfront condo in Kansas
Posted at 03:45 pm by Scott
This Song Amuses the Hell Out of Me
Gay/Not Gay by King Missle
'I saw an episode of The Jerry Springer Show, and the topic was "Transvestites and the Men Who Love Them." And the guy was on with his "girlfriend," and he was saying "To me, this is a beautiful woman. She's got a perfect body, beautiful blonde hair, everything. I love her, and I love making love to her. Now I ask you, does that make me gay?" Most of the audience thought so, and so did I. But it got me thinking about what is and isn't gay.
Discussing sex with a guy is gay. Discussing sex with a women is straight. Even telling a woman "Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to suck a cock," is straight.
Sports are gay, especially contact sports, unless you're the only guy on both teams, in which case it's straight.
Gyms are always gay, because afterwards, in the locker room, you're showering with guys, and that is gay.
Watching pornography alone is neutral, like eating a sandwich. It is neither straight nor gay. Watching pornos with one or more other guys in the room, no matter how many other women are also in the room, is gay. Watching porn, even gay porn, with one or more other women only is staright.
Here's an interesting one: Kissing a gay guy on the cheek, or letting him kiss you on the cheek is neutral, as long as the guy is out of the closet. Hugging and/or kissing a straight guy is gay.
See, look, I know I'm homophobic, but not about gay guys. They don't bother me at all. It's straight guys who don't know their gay... they fuck my shit right up.
Like a guy calls me up and says, "A bunch of us guys are gonna sit around in our underwear and watch the football game and drink beer and eat chips and, you know, maybe wrestle with each other, just us guys. You wanna come over?" And I'm like, "No."
Ok, you got a guy sucking your dick, even if he's dressed like a beautiful woman, even if he's got the best breast implants youv'e ever seen, even if you're saying to him "Suck it, bitch, I know you like it, you slut, you whore!" that's gay.
Conversely, if a woman straps on a dildo, and you're dressed like a woman, and you're sucking her cock, and she's saying, "You like it, don't you? You like sucking my dick you little fucking faggot," and then she rolls you over and fucks you in the ass and says "You love it you little pussy boy! You love getting fucked in the ass. I'll bet you wish I was a man! I'll bet you wish this was a real cock, you fucking faggot!" and you're getting off on this like you've never gotten off before, that's still straight.
But then, if you go off to the bar, and discuss this, or any other sexual experience with guys, that's gay.
Here's the most interesting one. Sucking a guys cock can, under certain rare cirumstances, be staright. Let's say you've gotten into a betting game with a woman, and the bet is that whoever loses has to be the other's sex slave for an entire night... you know, the kind of stuff that happens in Penthouse Forum all the time. And you lose, and the woman makes you have sex with another guy. That's not gay. I don't know exactly why, but it isn't.
Posted at 07:43 pm by Scott
I Love My Part-Time Job at the Publishing House
I also love Dr. Charisma, who, after lunch, spent five minutes elaborating on the dozens of things he wanted to start working on. Now, normally, this would signal getting to work on those things...but oh no...not when you work for Dr. Charisma. Instead, we spent an hour and a half looking at monarchist websites, seeing who is claiming various European kingdoms and which royal families still have active branches.
Posted at 06:24 pm by Scott
Who will die in the new Harry Potter book? I want speculation people! Give me rumors and guesses. I still say, if J.K. Rowling had a set, she'd kill Dumbledore. I mean, that would be the death that would just shake everything to its foundations and set the stage for a rockin' final book 7. Dr. Charisma* agrees with me, and actually said the same thing himself, without knowing I thought it too.
*- Dr. Greene
Posted at 10:24 pm by Scott
Its been entirely too long since I've had an entry which actually had content about my life. I mean, sure a picture of a shark fighting a bear is cool, but not exactly informative. So I've decided to update everyong with the my last month in a paragraph.
Lets see, I bought new furniture and got rid of old furniture. This process has only reaffirmed my love of Ikea. I also accidently broke one of the seals of the apocalypse by buying new furniture, since I actually have more bookshelf space than books. (For those of you who frequent my apartment and monitor my book buying habits, you know this has never actually occurred before.) After an even briefer sojourn into the world of the single, I have rejoined the world of the coupled. Yes its the same individual, who has made proper amends for previous trangressions. After rejoing the world of the coupled, I decided the only appropriate action was to buy a new car. Sadly the Jetta of Doom has been replaced by a sportier Celica...whose adjective has yet to be selected. Today the president of the realty office that owns my building left his card with a note that says 'Please call me.' I wonder what the Hell he wants. So there you have it, my late June/early July in a paragraph.
All seems to be alligned for my birthday Friday, I seem to have a pretty good idea who's showing up. So, if you've said you were, please do, or risk incurring a wrath that burns fiercer than a case of the clap.
In closing I think the only thing to do now is show a picture of a midget pro-wrestler talking smack.
Posted at 10:41 pm by Scott